Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Things You Don't Know About Me Unless You Are Married to Me

For some reason, the combination of cut and styling products result in me having fantabulous bed-head. I mean, Mad Scientist. Not all all "Hey, You Just Woke Up Next to Jennifer Aniston and isn't Her Toussled Head Sexy?!" I mean Einstein. Bride of Frankenstein. The good news? It "finger combs" quite nicely so it is presentable by the time my feet hit the floor.

I'm less thin than I look in person. Photos capture how I really am, but if you see me in person, I have it all contained and packaged in a way that it doesn't look too shabby. If there were a way to make this show in photos, I would bottle it and sell it.

I am so conservative that I am liberal. I am so opposed to the federal government that I think a lot of thing should be legal that usually only "the Left" thinks should be legal. Or maybe not "legal" so much as the government should have no opinion.

I don't believe in running. I wouldn't run if the house was on fire. If someone comes after me with a gun or a knife or a bat, I am going down. I. Hate. Running. I barely even tolerate walking. I admire all my friends who run and who claim they get some kind of "high" out of it. Thanks, but I'll just go shopping (at a nice LEISURELY PACE) for my good endorphins.

My confession about Happy Christmas(War Is Over) reminded me of the rest of the songs or things I misheard for years, which you also didn't know about me.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game:
Being that I was born in Chicago, we always sang this as "for it's root, root, root for the Cubbies." I'm not sure exactly why since I was born in Oak Lawn and therefore was not capable of being a Northside fan. Anyway, the line after that is, of course, "if they don't win, it's a shame." Until embarassingly recently, I thought it was, "if they don't win, it's the same."
I'm sure you can understand why I didn't realize that was wrong since it's obviously NOT wrong!

Sealing Wax:
Honest to goodness, I thought this was ceiling wax. I figured that they somehow got double use out of it in the Victorian era and not only sealed their correspondance but also made lovely sculpted ceiling decor with it. You know, like a Victorian version of the popcorn ceilings of the 1970's.

That's all I can think of for now. I know, nothing earth-shattering here. But now you know!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

(I posted this on MySpace ages ago, but since I am really going to kill my MySpace, I thought I'd preserve this here)

When anyone wants to start a new religion, it’s usually best to begin with de-deifying Christ. After all, if He’s not ’"THE Deity anymore then you can pitch most/all of what He said and start over as you see fit. Should a new religion’s founders wish to keep Christ around, the best approach is then to reduce Him to "A" Deity and elevate yourself to "A" Diety as well. By doing this, you can keep enough of Christ around that people will not think you are a cult, but insert enough of yourself into things that you can always switch to cult status down the road when you have enough members.

This brings me to women starting religions vs men starting religions. The Christ/deity thing doesn’t seem to fall on gender lines. From the bit of reading I’ve done, men and women equally take both paths when it comes to dealing with Christianity. Where men and women differ, however, is in the area of sex.

Joseph Smith, David Koresh and Warren Steed Jeffs all amassed for themselves child brides pretty quickly upon establishing their religions. The documentation I read says that 33% of Joe’s brides were 14-20 when he married them. The hundreds of kids they picked up in the raid on YFZ Ranch in Eldorado reportedly identify multiple women as their mothers. And that whole things was predicated on a call to an abuse hotline from a 16 year complaining that a "sister wife" would hold her infant while she (the caller) was beaten by her 50 year old husband.

Compare that to Mother Ann Lee, who founded the Shakers, and Anna Spafford who led the American Colony in Jerusalem after her husband (Horatio Spafford) passed away. Both of these women ran religions that required celebacy amongst the members. Ann divided everybody into to "families" and they grew their numbers through adopting orphans. The American Colony commited itself to public service and flourished because they did not evangelize in the heart of Jerusalem at the turn of the 20th century.

I don’t recall Ann Lee’s background off the top of my head, but Horatio and Anna Spafford are best known for Horatio’s writing of the hymn "It Is Well". If you have attended an Protestant church, you know the story. Anna and the four daughters travel by sea to England. The boat is wrecked and Anna is the sole survivor. She sends a telegram "saved alone" to Horatio. As he travels to England to meet her, he pens the lyrics over the spot where the boat is wrecked. Apparently, they got a little loopy after that and started the American Colony so they could be in the Holy Land during the turn of the century. They felt that Christ would return for the event and they’d be there to meet Him. But I suppose that if my four children died at the same time and that only one of my two children born after that survived, I’d be a little loopy and looking for the Kingdom too.

Which brings me back to when women start religions. Do women just ultimately not like sex and take the first chance they have to abolish it under the guise of holiness? Or is an aversion to what causes children just the byproduct of the loss of five of your six children?
I think I have to side with the women here as being the lesser of two evils. At least they can put the USDA stamp of "no children were harmed in the making of this religion", unlike the con-man Joe Smith and the rest of the pedophiles founding religious sects in the last 100 years.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

This Year in Review

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young
*Happy Christmas (War is Over) John and Yoko

I don't actually know all the words to this song. For whatever reason, my ear and my brain conspired to hear it as "another year older". At that point, I stop listening because I feel like John Lennon is personally pointing out that I have let another year go by and accomplished precious little in my life. And it doesn't matter if it's the John Lennon version, Melissa Ethridge, etc. I hear it the same way every time.

My ear perks back up in time to catch "I hope you have fun" and hears it as "I hope you HAD fun". Again, more accusation from Johnny. "I hope you had FUN, Sarah, this past year while you accomplished NOT. MUCH. AT. ALL."

My old response was to resolve to make the next year different. To accomplish everything that John reminded me I hadn't done. Well, as you can imagine, that just made it all worse. This year I am going to change my attitude and say, "one of these years I am going to...." So here goes:

One of these years I am going to...

... get rid of my pants and wear only skirts and dresses. I have dabbled in this from time to time and always gained a very peaceful spirit because of it, but I haven't ever really committed. I am going to do this one of these years. It's not religious in intent. It's more like wanting to connect with a deeper level of feminity.

... reduce my HFCS intake. I'm not going to go all "Hollywood" and stop eating anything white. I believe in everything in moderation. It's just that I need to moderate my High Fructose Corn Syrup intake a bit.

... learn to hand-write things again. I would love some pretty stationary, perhaps with an "S" on the top, so I can correspond. I'm not sure exactly who I will correspond with, but I feel it's a lost skill already for the next generation. Maybe I can preserve it for at least a little longer. I am starting this year by taking a moment to send Christmas cards to some dear girlfriends with hand-written notes inside. It's hard! Harder than I thought! I need to re-employ this skill before I lose it entirely.

... go a little more vegetarian. Not a major overhaul. After all, I come from a huntin' family and I firmly believe in hunting as the bedrock of a conservationist's lifestyle. And I like nothing more than a bloody burger. But I think I could be a tad healthier if I were a little friendlier with veggies. I enjoy cooking so this would also let me learn a new skill.

... read more scripture. I have been reading the Psalms entirely once a month lately. If you read the Psalm that corresponds with the day of the month it is, and then read the 30th Psalm after that until you run out, you'll get through all 150 in a month. Someone suggested I read the life of Sarai/Sarah in more depth and I think maybe I'll do that.

I think maybe that's enough for one year. Probably enough for ten, based on my current rate of accomplishing resolutions.

So here's to 2010. What will you have done?

An Open Letter to "Stuff I Don't Need"

Dear Stuff -

I charged you on the credit card, which I had no business doing. I was feeling blue for a variety of reasons, so I bought you. I am going to do the right thing and tell Lancer and then return you. At least, return what I haven't worn yet.

Leopard shoes: you are amazing, but I don't need you. Love you, but don't need you. Yes, I understand your versatility. You looked fabulous with the jeans I was wearing and would have looked equally amazing with a pencil skirt or dress pants. And your heel is the perfect height. Not too tall, not too flat. I could have walked all over NYC in you and been fine. But I really Do. Not. Need. You.

Black peep-toes with the strap: I also don't need you. I work from home. It's a banner day when I change my underwear, so I really do not need any more dressy shoes. Yes, you were on clearance. Yes, I LOVE peep-toes and you'd have many friends in my show rack. Yes, you are very different from any other black shoe I own. Trust me, Black peep-toes with the straps, I already said all these things to myself and yet the truth remains: I don't really need you.

Black flats by Rocket Dog: I actually DO need you. You are replacing a pair I got from Target that are showing their age and their cheapness. Maybe you can stay. We'll have to see. If I can only keep one pair, I admit you are the only one I can justify. But frankly, you aren't much fun at all compared to Leopard or Black peep-toes with the strap.

Assorted cheap clothes from Old Navy: well, I've ripped the tags off you already and worn a few of you this evening, so I think you are staying. Along with the tights I bought at the shoe store. I atually do need the tights and the Old Navy stuff is just fun and was all on sale or on clearance.

I think this is a reasonable compromise. I got the thrill of buying each of you and the temporary relief from my blue-ness. You got the joy of my adoration for a bit. But I promise you this: someone else will re-buy you. You will not be back in the store for long. I just know it.

In you debt,


Dear Quilting

My Dearest Quilting -

How did we never meet until now? I have been avoiding you for years, sensing deep inside that you were nothing but trouble. How could I have been so wrong? It seems we were made for each other.

Everything about you is tailor-made for me! In order to sucessfully quilt, I will have to build a stash of fabric. Hoarding? Did someone say hoarding? Why as a matter of fact, compulsive hoarding is a symptom of OCD. I wonder if reducing my meds would help me to be a better hoarder and therefore a better quilter? I get to save even the smallest scrap because it "could" be useful at some point.

Then there are all the skills that are required to make a beautiful quilt. I need to be precise in my cutting. I need to be perfect in my seam allowances. Don't forget the rules about color tone! If there is one thing I love, it's a rule that leads to perfection. If I can master the color rules, I can create a beautifully perfect quilt!

And most of all, above all else, UFOs are allowed. Apparently, UFO means UnFinished prOject. If there is ONE thing in this world I am good at, it is getting way excited about a new project, working hard at it initially, then getting really bored really fast and stuffing it into the craft closet half-finished to languish for years....nay, decades.

So, my dear quilting, I believe we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the near future. But don't get too attached. Felting has been batting her lashes at me of late and I can hear the siren-song of beading off in the distance.

Stitchingly Yours -


Sunday, September 6, 2009

One Friend, Two Friend, Red Friend, Blue Friend

I have been thinking a lot lately about Facebook and the weirdness that FB relationships can be.

I've been lucky - nothing really "bad" has happened to me through FB. I haven't dredged up any old feuds or started any serious new ones (just a little friendly banter now and then!) I haven't gone searching for old loves or anything that could have a lot of baggage. I actually do know all but maybe two of my "friends" and I keep meaning to delete the two I didn't know. They are just Mafia Wars family.

I have connected to an author or two whom I admire. Found an old teacher or two. Added a coworker or four. Built an additional connection to my closest circle of sisterwives.

The odd thing, though, is wondering if I would really even HAVE some of these friendships were it not for FB. Do they really exist outside FB? If I delete my page tomorrow, will we still keep in touch?

I had dinner last week with a friend I reconnected with through FB and with his wife who is a subsequent FB friend. As we talked, the question of when we last were in touch came up. Our best guess is sometime in 1993. I considered him a very good friend at the time and yet we fell out of touch 16 years ago. So was it REALLY that good of a friendship and I am just supremely lazy about keeping in touch (see my previous blog where I mention my love of sloth.....)? Or was it just a high school friendship that ran its course and that's it?

I tend to think it's the former. I enjoyed my friend's company at dinner as much as I ever did in the past and his wife is really neat gal. She's someone I would definitely want to build a friendship with if they lived in the area. And I like them as a couple - they are good together.

I have reconnected with high school acquaintances, only to find now that they are people I wouldn't feel weird calling "friends" now. It's too bad those friendships couldn't have been deeper in high school. I guess maybe we were just too wrapped up in our own skin to make that connection, but I'm glad we've had the second chance.

Only one disappointment - that my partner in politics in high school has gone over to the dark side (he's the "blue" friend in the title!). But I can forgive him as his heart is truly compassionate and we really want many of the same things in this world, albeit via different routes. It's neat to see where he is now, on many levels, this many years later.

And finally, family..... To be honest with you, I'd have little clue what is going on in my family and extended family if it weren't for FB. I love my cousins, but what are the odds that with her four kids and his work and wife that we'd really talk that much on the phone? But I can find out within a minute or two what they did with their weekend, how their kids are growing, etc.

All in all, it is working for me and working well. I don't think I'm really to "tweet" any time soon, but I'll hopefully add one friend or two friends, red friends and blue friends.

The Impossible Dream

It's becoming apparent that this whole "realign my life to match the poem" thing is not realistic.

Monday: it's a busy day at work and while I can *technically* step away from the desk now and then to throw a load of wash in, I just haven't found the rhythym yet.

Tuesday: I hate to iron. Simple as that. It's not about the day, it's about the hate.

Wednesday: This is the ONE day that is working for me! Only I'm not technically mending, I'm just sewing/crafting. We're not really that hard on our clothes and there's really not any mending that needs to be done on a weekly basis.

Thursday: I guess there are actually two days that work. I can ALWAYS find a reason to shop.

Friday: This is basically working, but mostly because of summer hours and the ability to be away from the desk in the afternoon.

Saturday: I baked macaroni and cheese last week, but that's it. The truth is that we really don't need baked goods around here. We're having enough trouble correcting our food habits lately and I don't need to make it worse on us.

Sunday: I'm pretty good at resting, thanks to "sloth" being my fave of the 7 Deadlies.

Well, when I look at it like that, I guess I'm not so far off as I thought! What really didn't work was the week I traveled for work. Maybe it's worth giving this another go before I say "impossible".